East Ottawa Star
Published: Friday, October 16, 2009

Life is a lineup

Back in 1991, I was boppin’ out to Tom Cochrane who told us that life is a highway. In 1994, Forrest Gump told us life is like a box of chocolates. In 1997, a poignant film about a father making the horror and degradation of a Holocaust camp a quasi-adventure for his son reminded us that “life is beautiful.”

But after spending almost an hour at the border crossing at Hill Island near Gananoque on Thanksgiving Monday, I have concluded that life is, above all else, a lineup. Period. Point final. Now please wait your turn sir over there, in line of course.

It got me thinking, or more appropriately, fuming as to the amount of time that is spent, no, taken from our lives as we waste away in, as the Brits say, the queue.

Think about our daily commute. We line up for the bus. Or we line up to get on and off the highway. And on the way home we line up on every arterial road imaginable including the newest Orléans parking lot: the 174 merging onto Trim Road going south.

Or think of your daily grind. Lining up at Tim Horton’s, the grocery store checkout, the bank machine, the office food court (aka: food zoo), the service bay at the dealership, the men’s washroom on game night at Scotiabank Place, the movies, the elevator, the security checkpoint at the airport, the passport office, the gas station when prices drop, the meat counter, waiting for our blood work, an x-ray or even heart surgery. Heck, there are even lineups to get in line.

Perhaps we should elevate lineups to the inevitable status of the other two certainties in life: death and taxes.

Hey, we even line up at weddings and funerals, which some cynical friends of mine argue are very similar, but I digress.

Now this scribe needs your help. Where are the most frustrating places to line up in Orléans? Ottawa? The world? And why? What can be done to alleviate or eliminate these lineups? And what strategies do you have or employ to pass the time while, yes, waiting in line?

Do you count holes in the ceiling tiles (been there, done that)? Do you strike up conversation with the stranger next to you? Do you fiddle with your Blackberry? Call a friend? Read a book? Hum a tune? Whistle? Comb your hair? Apply makeup? Or do you stare mindlessly into space? What is your coping strategy?

Think about how many places you waited in line today and the time you lost because, for example, the person in front of you waited six minutes as well and still didn’t know what to order when it was his turn at the drive thru speaker.

Lineups have become an international epidemic. Join my crusade against lineups and send your thoughts today.

(Disclaimer: This column was conceived and basically written while I waited in line).  

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Comments can be sent to Walter Robinson at orleansouttakes@transcontinental.ca.