Ottawa Sun
Published: Saturday, March 26, 2005

Just like home, but much warmer

There are so many similarities between the sunny island and the Great White North, a merger could only be a win-win

Ola from stifling, sweltering, sticky and sunny (read: no snow) Cuba. Warning: Today's column crosses that fine line between political satire and reality, depending upon your perception of things.

After two weeks at the biggest resort in Cuba located in Holguin province, I have come to the conclusion that an amalgamation between the sovereign nations of Canada and Cuba would be synergistic, the resultant whole being greater than the sum of our individual parts. The similarities between our two nations are just to good to pass up. So forget the foolishly held notion of annexing the Turks and Caicos islands, Cuba si, is the way to go!

Let's start with our health care systems. Both of us have socialized medicine where real private innovation is verboten. And both countries have waiting lists to boot so the amalgamation from this perspective would be seamless. However, with Cubans having a doctor and nurse in every town at a central location on call 24/7, I'm sure that residents of Canada's rural and remote communities would welcome such access to primary care.

Turning to our systems of government, again the similarities are striking. Both countries effectively have one party rule with the only exception being that our socialists, oops I mean federal Liberals, change their leaders every decade or so. And the last changeover from Jean Chretien to Paul Martin could definitely be considered as an internal revolution of sorts. As for an effective opposition existing in either country, well dear readers, I leave this one for you to ponder.

Turning to issues of culture, we would be enriched with a third national language, Spanish. Moreover, the English and French spoken here -- at least by folks in the hospitality and tourism sector -- is at least on par with the product being churned out by our public elementary and secondary school system. As for punctuality, perhaps we could do better in Canada by slowing down a bit and taking things on "Cuban" time. And let's be frank, the non-existent customer service practiced in big-box retail and department stores is already on Cuban time.

As for summer pursuits, the Cubans are already well-accustomed to the vacation and leisure mindset that infects Canada from Victoria Day weekend until Labour Day. And just like Canada, the major brands of beer -- Cristal, Buccanero and Mayabe -- are all produced by the same brewery. Only in Canada, we have two: Molson and Labbatt's. (Note: Micro brew drinkers work with me on this one).

More to the point, Cubans have the three types of beer most necessary for Canadian consumption; beer that comes on tap, in cans or in bottles. Enough said on this front, cerveza por favor.

On the topic of sports, Cubans play some mean baseball -- their national sport -- and a fair level of basketball as well. With the Cuban farm system in place, the Blue Jays may actually win a world series again. And with no end in sight to the NHL lockout, baseball (summer) and basketball (winter) could keep sports fans enraptured year-round.

Looking at airport operations, we may even learn a thing or two from the Cubans. Customs clearance down here is much quicker and in my five trips to this island, the collective delay in waiting for my bags at the airport is trivial compared to the agonizing individual waits I have experienced in Toronto, Vancouver, Calgary or even at the Ottawa airport.

On the broader economic front, Cuba's centrally planned and controlled economy would likely mesh well with our over-regulated, over-governed and super-size-subsidized Canadian marketplace. And when it comes to big government, let's be brutally honest, we could teach Cuba a thing or two on this front for sure.

Finally there is the issue of national security, and here again, the advantages work for us. We could bolster our forces contingent with a fresh influx of Cuban soldiers -- who actually have real weapons -- and as Rick Mercer once pointed out in one of his famous This Hour Has 22 Minutes streeter rants, we could call our new country Canuba and then tell the Americans "we've got you surrounded."

Think of the fear that would ripple through official Washington and the Pentagon and then watch the lightning speed progress that would unfold on files such as softwood lumber, reopening the U.S. border to Canadian beef and better cooperation on continental security.

Political satire or a serious commentary? You decide. As a parting note,consider this: Once we pay all of our taxes to all three orders of government, it seems as though we are left with mere pesos, just like the Cubans. Now it's time for some SPF 30, a cerveza and a siesta. Adios mi amigos.